Chitoge Harem
by HitsInTheEye
Summary: Get out of the way, beansprout! Else I can't win this plot!
_Warning: There are spoilers ahead._

* * *

 _My name is Kirisaki Chitoge. I just recently moved from America to start my first year of high school in Japan. It's a little unusual to be an overseas transfer student, but I'm really just an average teenager living a regular life._

 _Well...except for one thing_ —

"Good morning, Ojou! Did you rest well last night?"

"Ojou, if you would please come this way. I have prepared a nice, piping-hot bowl of cream porridge with cheese and chives for you to eat this morning—"

"No, no! Don't eat that soupy mess. Ojou, please have this refreshing plate of rolled fruit sandwiches with honeyed peach preserves instead—"

"No, Ojou!" a chef shouts as he kicks open the door to the dining hall, revealing a massive table creaking under the weight of bacon, french omelettes, potato pancakes, fried sausages, Belgian waffles, and dozens of other sparkling dishes. "Forget those mangy appetizers, I guarantee that you'll be fully satisfied by this full breakfast smorgasbord I've prepared, complete with juice bar and fresh, handpicked fruit from the garden—"

"What's that!? Are you implying that Ojou is fat? Bastard, do you want to get killed right now!?"

"HAH!? I should be saying that to you! You think that your puny, little pastry will give Ojou all the necessary nutrients and energy she needs to get through the morning hours? And you call yourself a member of the Beehive!?"

"Ah geez! I'll try everything, okay? What's this? Blegh! This pancake is burnt! And this coffee tastes weak! And who eats a submarine sandwich for breakf—oh, this tastes good actually—hey, leave that pancake! It's fine with syrup!"

The smell of gunpowder in the morning. A room full of fedora-wearing suits drinking coffee and bickering chefs pushing plate after plate into Kirisaki Chitoge's eating frenzy. A typical start of the day for a normal teenager girl whose only special trait is—

 _—that my family is an American crime gang._

* * *

 **Chitoge Harem**

* * *

However, her life saw a sudden change when a boy named Ichijou Raku came into her life.

"Haah...okay," Chitoge says, taking a deep breath to prepare her heart. "I can do this...I just need to get it out all at once, no stalling—"

And with all the feminine charm she can muster, the air glimmering with hearts and bubbles, Kirisaki Chitoge takes a step towards the Shuei-gumi household.

"Good morning, Darling! Gosh, I could barely sleep last night because I missed you so much!"

"Aha, my Honey! You came to pick me up? Really, what am I going to do with you when you're being so adorable~"

As soon as they are out of earshot of the yakuza, the two students collapse onto the street, their faces worn with disgust and exhaustion.

"Seriously, how long do we have to keep this up...? I think I'm getting physically sick from spewing that crap to you."

"Don't worry, I feel the same way. Imagine what it's like having to dote on a gorilla every morning..."

The start of a fake relationship in order to broker peace between two gangs in war. Possibly Kirisaki Chitoge's greatest blemish in her rose-colored youth.

"Chitoge-chan, Ichijou-kun! Ah...are you guys okay? Your faces look pretty pale."

A brown-haired angel arrives. Already, the warmth of her aura is casting away the faux-romantic sludge and replacing it with the heart-bumping pleasure of true love.

"Good morning, Onodera. Don't worry about it, it's just the usual..." Raku says with a wry chuckle. "By the way, Onodera. Did you manage to finish those problems on yesterday's homework?"

"Yeah! You were a real lifesaver, Ichijou-kun. The way you explained it on the phone made it really easy for me to understand."

"That's great. I'm glad you figured it out. I was worried that I didn't explain this part very clearly—"

Kirisaki Chitoge watches as a fluffy glow appears between the two while they discuss last night's homework.

 _Kuuu! Darn it, if only I had taught Kosaki-chan...I could be having that cozy atmosphere with her instead of that stupid beansprout!_

But even as she laments over this missed opportunity, Chitoge knows that there was nothing that she could do. It wasn't a problem with her grades or her teaching methods. Rather, it was just that whenever she studied with Kosaki, they could never seem to get anything done.

 _"Uh so...Chitoge-chan, a-about this problem here_ _—"_

 _Her hand accidentally brushes against Chitoge's, causing both of them to jolt back in surprise and splash hot tea everywhere._

 _"Hot! Hot! Ah, that's hot!"_

 _"Chitoge-chan! I'm so sorry, let me get a towel_ _—uwaah!"_

 _"Kosaki-chan, be careful_ _—!"_

 _Chitoge is able to save Kosaki from a nasty fall, but in the process_ —

 _"S-Sorry!" Chitoge says, pulling her hands away from Kosaki's breasts. "I'm sorry, that was an accident! I didn't mean to_ _—"_

 _"I-It's okay," Kosaki says, blushing deeply. "We're both girls, after all..."_

"Why does it happen like that every time?" Chitoge ponders mournfully as they head to class. "And why did I even apologize then, I'm so stupid..."

"Ojouuu!"

As Kirisaki Chitoge opens the door to the classroom, there's an excited cry followed by a sudden blur tackling into her chest.

"Tsugumi!"

"Ah Ojou! I'm so sorry I couldn't be with you on your way to school this morning. I was putting the finishing touches on your lunchbox and lost track of time," Tsugumi says, clinging to Chitoge's arm.

"Thanks, I really appreciate it. But you're a little too close...again," Chitoge says in an exasperated tone. "I mean, we wouldn't want Darling to get the wrong idea, right?"

"Huh?" Raku perks up as he realizes that he's been mentioned. "Oh yeah. You two are always so close. It's great that you have such a good friend, huh Chitoge?"

 _This...rock-headed beansprout!_

"Not at all. Ojou and I have surpassed the bonds of friendship long ago. We've ate together, slept together, and even...bathed together," Tsugumi says, putting her hands up to her cheeks fondly. "It's safe to say that we're already like a married couple."

"Ahaha, what the heck are you saying, Tsugumi? You and your jokes!" Chitoge says hurriedly in a loud voice. She looks over at Kosaki, hoping that she's been convinced.

"You guys have such a good relationship," Kosaki says with a distant smile.

 _Ughhh! No, Kosaki-chan! It's not like that, really! I mean...it is like that, but it's not what you think! I mean, it is what you think, but it's not..._

Feeling like there was a misunderstanding here, but unable to figure out a way to clear it up, Kirisaki Chitoge can do nothing but wilt under Tsugumi's loving embrace.

"Honestly, Kirisaki Chitoge. Being so shameless at the break of dawn again."

Tachibana Marika comments on the situation with a disdainful look at Chitoge.

"Shameless? What are you talking about?" Chitoge says, trying to get out of Tsugumi's grip. "It's just friendly contact."

"Hmph. You're supposed to be Raku-sama's girlfriend and yet you continue to flirt openly with others in front of him. What else would you call that but shameless behavior?"

"That's a bit much, don't you think Tachibana?" Raku says as Marika stands between him and Chitoge. "They're just childhood friends..."

"As your childhood friend myself, Raku-sama, I can tell that their intentions are not pure in the slightest," Marika says, flinging out her arm to cover Raku. "As it is, I cannot approve of this Kirisaki woman. I will protect Raku-sama's heart from your sleazy ways!"

"Who are you calling sleazy!? And we're all Raku's childhood friends, you know!"

"Huh, fine thing to say from someone who didn't even remember Raku-sama at first! Are you sure that your feelings for Raku-sama are true?"

"O-Of course they are! I'm very much in love with Darling!"

"So you're saying that you would die for Raku-sama?"

"H-Huh!? What are you going on about? We're not in the feudal era!"

"As I thought!" Marika says, pointing an accusing finger at Chitoge. "I can't accept a loose and violent girl like you as Raku-sama's girlfriend! In any case, I definitely love him more than you do!"

"Isn't that the real reason you're against our relationship? And doesn't that make you the sleazy one!?"

"Kirisaki Chitoge, I challenge you to a duel!" Marika says, clenching her hand into a fist. "If you're tough enough to defeat me, then I'll recognize you as Raku-sama's girlfriend. However if you fail...then our engagement will become officially recognized and I'll marry him in your place!"

"W...What!?"

"Now prepare yourself!" Marika shouts as she leaps at Chitoge.

 _Hold on, hold on, hold on!_

Chitoge's thoughts race as she holds her hands out in front of her in retaliation. She knows that she's far stronger than Marika, but if she gets serious, then Marika will sustain some real damage. But she can't let Marika win, not if she wants to keep the Beehive and the Shuei-gumi from breaking out into war.

"Damn it! I won't let you take Raku away!" Chitoge shouts back, realizing that she has no choice. All she can do is hold out in this battle and try to find some way to achieve victory peacefully. So she plants her feet firmly on the ground, steeling herself for impact from Marika's attack—

—when Marika falls over and collapses on the floor.

"T...Tachibana!"

"Marika-chan!"

And so, the duel is postponed as Tachibana Marika is sent to the infirmary to recuperate.

* * *

Of course, there were rocky parts to their fake relationship.

"W...Wha—"

"!?"

"R-Raku? What are you doing here!?"

"I could ask you the same thing! This is the men's bath!"

"No, it's not! It's the women's bath, it said so on the curtains!"

"The curtains...? Oh...I get it. You still get your kanji mixed up, don't you?"

"You do realize those two don't look anything alike!? Isn't it more likely that someone switched the signs?"

"Now why would anyone do that? It's not like there's someone who would try to get you branded as a pervert by getting you to stumble into the men's bath on purpose!"

"..."

Suddenly, there's the sound of the sliding door being opened and male chatter fills the air.

"Hey, get down!" Raku says, pushing Chitoge into the water. Bubbles blast from her yelp of surprise as her face enters the hot water.

Only to hit something along the way.

 _GUAAHH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS_ —

"PUAH!"

Chitoge resurfaces violently, forcing Raku to slam a bucket on top of her head.

"What the heck are you doing?" Raku hisses as he attempts to cover Chitoge.

"THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD BE ASKING YOU, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THAT IN THIS SITUATION—"

"Shh! Quiet down!" Raku says, looking around to see if anyone heard. "Alright, I'll find some way to distract the guys. So when the coast is clear, you make a break for the exit, okay?"

"You're going to help me?" Chitoge asks, ducking under the bucket.

"Of course I'm going to help you! What do you think will happen if everyone finds out about this? We'll have to go through the rest of high school known as some crazy pervert couple!"

"Y-Yeah, you're right. Okay, I'll follow your lead."

"Good. Alright, so now all we have to do is get you closer to the door so I can distract them from over the—"

Raku looks up to see the guys clamoring at the wall barrier, looking for a peephole to peek through.

"..."

"...I can just leave, can't I?"

"...Yeah. Just get out of here."

* * *

And unexpected surprises too.

"Yes...I do."

At her secret place that looks over the town of Bonyari, Onodera Kosaki makes a shocking revelation.

"Ichijou-kun once told me that he made a promise with someone ten years ago...I remember making a promise too back then, although my memories are a little fuzzy still. But what I do remember is that the boy back then had the exact same pendant that Ichijou-kun has."

Chitoge's face turns blank as Kosaki holds out her hand and shows a similar key to hers.

 _But then that means..._

 _...Raku made a promise to both of us?_

 _THAT GUY WAS PLAYING US FROM AGE FIVE!?_

"I'm gonna kill that cheating bastard! How dare he mess with Kosaki-chan's feelings!"

"T-that's not it, Chitoge-chan! That's just something from ten years ago...when we were kids. I'm sure none of us were serious about it back then."

"Still...I mean, still...he's been holding onto that thing for ten years...it definitely means something to him."

"Yeah...I suppose you're right," Kosaki says, looking down at her own key. "You know, thinking about it now, I think it meant something to me too. I'm pretty sure that back then, that boy I met in the summer was my first love."

 _W...What?_

 _Raku...was Kosaki-chan's first love?_

A crushing vicegrip on Kirisaki Chitoge's heart. Then that meant...that maybe even now...she still—

"So I was surprised when I found out he had the same pendant...I thought that maybe...Ichijou-kun was that boy..."

Kosaki's breath suddenly catches and the rest of her words are lost. But then she starts again, with renewed energy into her new words.

"But I thought...no, it _would_ be great...if Chitoge-chan had been him..."

 _Kosaki-chan..._

Kirisaki Chitoge is rendered speechless by this confession from Onodera Kosaki.

 _What..._

 _What do you mean by that, Kosaki-chan...?_

 _Seriously, WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN!?_

 _Are you saying that you wish I was a boy!? Is that a green light or an "it's impossible" sign!?"_

The question haunted Chitoge for the remainder of her birthday.

* * *

And feelings that they had never realized.

"I need you to play Juliet instead of Onodera!"

"Huh!? What do you mean by that? What's going on here?"

"Onodera sprained her ankle and can't be on stage. And Tachibana's not here today, so she can't take her place. At this rate, the whole play is going to be canceled," Raku explains. "You're the only one that can play Juliet. We need you right now!"

"W-Why do I have to? I haven't practiced or memorized any of the lines—"

"There's no other way! Look, I know you hate me for some reason...but I really think we can do this. We've been in a fake relationship all this time. I'm sure we can get through it with a little improvisation. Please Chitoge...we need your help!"

"What...are you saying right now? You even said it at the beach, didn't you? That the two of us being in a real relationship wouldn't work out..." Chitoge says, her expression tightening. "Tell me the truth. You hate me, don't you? Even this play...you don't really want to do it with me..."

 _Why am I talking about this...?_

 _Why do I even care?_

 _It's not like...Raku means anything to me..._

 _It was always just a fake relationship..._

That was what she thought. That was how it had always been.

So it surprised her...

When Raku said those words:

"I don't hate you. You're crude, you're violent, and all we do is fight each other. You're not cute at all. But..."

 _I don't hate you._

Simple words that could've easily been lip service. Words that she had known in the back of her mind, that hadn't really needed to be said at all.

But even so...

It surprised her how relieved they made her feel.

"Deny thy father and refuse thy name; or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet."

"I take thee at thy word: call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; henceforth I never will be Romeo."

As the last words left from Raku's lips and he held his hand out to take Chitoge's underneath the warm glow of the spotlight—

The heartbeat that sounded.

Or rather, her heart beaten into sound.

The bell ringing clear through her, coming out as sweet emotion in her final line—

"I love you, R—"

 _Eh...?_

 _What did I..._

 _...Just say?_

Perhaps it was then that Kirisaki Chitoge first became aware of the feelings growing inside of her.

* * *

And many more adventures that were waiting ahead...

"The time limit is one hour...our battlefield will be all of Bonyari. And the winning condition will be..."

A soft press on Chitoge's lips.

"To steal a kiss from our mistress!"

W...

"What!? Hold on a second, why am I getting involved in a match between you tw—"

"Uhehehe..."

The burning passion of Tsugumi Seishirou ignites into full flame! Paula blinks in confusion as Tsugumi approaches with eager desire on her face.

"Wait...this isn't the reaction I was expecting. Black Tiger is supposed to be all flustered and chaste because you already have a boyfriend..."

"You idiot! Look at what you've done! Get me out of these restraints before it's too la—"

"OJOOOOUUU!"

* * *

"I'm Onodera Haru! Onodera Kosaki's sister! And I'll protect her from the likes of you!"

"Whaat!?" both Raku and Kosaki yell as Haru makes her declaration.

 _YES!_

In the background, Chitoge pumps her fist. Finally, the beansprout will be taken out of the picture...

* * *

"You know, Kosaki. When you said you knew someone that could help with the store, I didn't expect you to bring one of your classmates..."

"B-But she's really good! She does this at home a lot for her whole family. And it's a really big family!"

"Well if you say so..." Onodera Nanako says reluctantly. "Okay then, try this for me please."

Chitoge bites into the raindrop cake and chews thoughtfully.

"Hmm. I would use springwater instead of distilled water for something like this. Distilled water has a clean, neutral taste but we're used to water flavored with minerals so an absolutely clean water can have an off-flavor for most people. In addition, the minerals from springwater will add some complexity to what's an otherwise bland taste. And maybe using a flavored sugar like vanilla sugar instead of regular granulated sugar would add some more depth to the flavors."

Stunned silence as Chitoge finishes her evaluation of the raindrop cake.

"...Kosaki. We don't need you here anymore. Just stay in the back and decorate in that corner there, okay?"

"Ehh!?"

* * *

"Ichijou-kun..."

"Onodera..."

"Why are you—!?"

"Why did you come here, Ichijou-kun? If you're here, then your pendant..."

"That's...that's because...we promised, didn't we?"

 _What...?_

 _Just because of that...?_

 _Ichijou-kun abandoned something that important just because...  
_

 _For me...?_

And perhaps it was then that Onodera Kosaki also became aware of the feelings growing inside of her.

* * *

"Marika! Will you make it!?"

Chitoge cries out as she hangs from the helicopter. Her hand reaches out towards Tachibana Marika, who still stands a distance away from the exit they've created. A distance that she has to cover in the mere seconds before her mother's guards get into position to stop her.

But Marika doesn't hesitate. She tears the constricting skirt of her dress and crouches down into a runner's stance. And with fire in her eyes, the fragile flower named Tachibana Marika takes off while shouting at the top of her lungs:

"YES, I WILL!"

 _Fast!_

Even the guards are surprised at her sudden speed. But they quickly regain their composure and fling their weapons into Marika's path!

"Tachibana! Come here!"

Raku dashes into place in front of the weapons, sliding into a kneeling position with his hands lowered.

"Yes, Raku-sama!"

A massive leap. Tachibana Marika flies into the sky, hurtling towards Raku's hands—

"GO, TACHIBAANAAA!" Raku shouts, throwing Marika into the air with a tremendous swing, past the weapons that smash together behind him—!

But as the dust clears from the collision...nothing lands.

"T...Tachibana? Tachibana, where'd you go!?"

"I made it, Raku-sama!" Marika announces from above, clinging to Raku's outstretched arms.

"MARIKA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"

Chitoge's shout of confusion is drowned out as Marika and Raku are immediately pounced on by the guards.

* * *

"I didn't know that I was this kind of person...I feel like I'm betraying Chitoge-chan. How can I like two people at the same time...?"

Onodera Kosaki poses the troubling question to her best friend, Miyamoto Ruri.

To which she answers:

"Like I give a crap! I've been telling you from the start to go for Ichijou-kun. Love with another girl is taboo in our society, it'll never get off the ground. Do you know how many difficulties you'll have to cope with? Even in America, it's not easy! So Kosaki, why don't you just do what fate is telling you to do and just tell Ichijou-kun that you want his babies already?"

"N...No way. But I've had feelings for Chitoge-chan all this time—!"

"Then just let Chitoge-chan and Ichijou-kun get together and you can be a mistress to both of them, Kosaki. It's not like you were ever going to win anyways."

"That's so cruel, Ruri-chan!"

* * *

But in the end...it wasn't so bad.

"I've decided. I don't care how strange it seems! I'll love you both. Ichijou-kun! Chitoge-chan!"

"Onodera..."

"Kosaki-chan..."

The two fake lovers look across at each other as they lay in the arms of their beloved. Well...maybe something like this could work out.

"Hold on a second," Chitoge says, realizing something very important. "Aren't I supposed to be the main character in this scenario?"

"Fufufu...just as planned..." Oh-no-dera says with an evil grin.

* * *

 **END**

* * *

 **A/N:** _Hello everyone, long time no see. So I guess I wanted to do something more silly in light of recent events in the series. As I lay sick with a particularly nasty cold recently, I suddenly had this thought to replace Raku with Chitoge in Nisekoi. How would the dynamics of the characters change?_

 _It was an interesting thought and I probably could have taken it further and with more natural interactions, but I decided to keep it short since I'm already procrastinating on several things. That said, all the rehashes vs more original content does make me feel a bit unsatisfied..._

 _Anyways, in the end, I think a Chitoge Harem wouldn't differ too much from the current situation as Chitoge has grown to be as much the center of the group as Raku is. Although perhaps we can agree that a Chitoge Harem seems infinitely more appealing. **  
**_

 _EDIT: Replaced one of the Marika sketches._


End file.
